Background
Here's a little background first. Since I was about 6 or 7 years old, I was taught how to ride a bike and since then I have loved riding bikes. Then as I was probably around 14 years old, I went go Karting at Southend and it was one of the best things I had ever done! It was exciting and I loved it. From then, I knew that I wanted to drive. My sister go her license at 18 years old, my older cousin also around 18 years old and he was obsessed with cars.
In February 2007, when I was 19 years old, I decided to take lessons. I went with a private company and drove a mini copper. I had such great fun with lessons and I usually would do two hours lessons once a week. Around May, my instructor told me I was ready for my test, and I it was the scariest feeling ever! I felt confident but it was still nerve wracking. I failed. My instructor reassured me that I was ready and that mistake was nothing I should worry about. We rebooked the test and within a month my test was due again. The second time round was more nerve wracking, I was so nervous to the point I felt sick. The only ever time I remember feeling this nervous was when I had piano exams! Thankfully, I passed. I sighed with relief and so glad that my licence was now pink as opposed to green.
The fear
With the excitement and buzz from passing my test, I wanted to drive as soon as possible! I did a pass plus scheme too which was further driving in different conditions which lowers your insurance. After a month or so, my sister added my name to the insurance for her car and I was ready to drive. She sat with me and we drove around the block and to near by places. It was ok at first but my sister, at the time, an experienced 3 year driver was, for the first time sitting in a car with a first time just passed driver. She was not impressed. At times, she would panic and shout and tell me things that I was doing and made me feel rather scared myself. I think this is how I developed my fear for driving.
Saying that, after those occasions, in 2007, I drove to a few more places. Over the year I had the insurance I didn't drive a lot at all because I avoided it and my sister said she would not want to sit in the car when I'm driving because she is fearful for her life.
In 2008, my sister said it was not a good idea to put me on the insurance if I was not going to drive. So I hardly drove in 2008. I made excuses to myself that it wasn't that I didn't want to drive or was scared but I just didn't need to and other methods were easier. It was just easier than admitting that my love for driving became a fear.
In 2009, my friend passed her driving and she got a car. We both agreed that we should drive to uni for fun and it was less hassle then taking the public transport. It was around this time for renewing insurance again. I told my sister I wanted to try again and really missed driving but sometimes my head just stops me from doing so and this time I was ready. I managed to convince her and she put me on the insurance again. I did push myself. I drove to uni a few times and even got lost at one point and probably did drive a bit manic at times but it was good. I had people in the next door cars shouting racist names at the traffic light (but not in an aggressive way) he just said chicken chow mein and my friend and I looked at each other burst out laughing. I was still half panicking. The nerves never stopped and I was battling it every time. My friend said to me, I was better than I made myself sound. I drove for a bit more after from place to place but avoided it if I could and still made excuses. When we stopped driving to uni, I fell back into not driving again.
In 2010, I probably drove once. I didn't have insurance for a while too and it made me feel better in some ways because I knew that even if I wanted to drive, I wasn't allowed. But every year, it has been something I have wanted to over come so bad. I started to open up to friends about this ridiculous driving phobia. Everyone around me had passed their test and started to drive and I felt like I was the only idiot who had a license but couldn't bring herself to drive even when I had insurance. This frustrated me but it was a mental battle I could not win with myself.
I told a few friends and they were encouraging. One comment one of my best friends said even though he was joking said to me 'I would never sit in your car if you was driving' and it stuck with me, I never took it as a joke at all. I was angry and upset and more so, disappointed in myself. The few friends that had constantly encouraged me that it was silly and that I could drive they would trust me driving made me feel good. They gave me confidence and I would confide in them. One friend had his own car so when we met up, he would drive me around, he has been one constant person who has told me I can do it and stayed positive even when I have felt the most negative. I truly thank him for that.
So after all the excuses I made over those years, I ended up blaming the car as my sister said it was getting old and the breaks and clutch wasn't working well. She bought a new car in 2011, i think. I was happy because I thought that all this driving was attributed to this car and that when a new car was here all my fears will disappear. I was wrong. I still get nervous but less. I was insured and drove a couple of times again. I could not over come this fear.
In 2012, I was taken off the insurance and didn't drive.
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