“One’s
best success comes after their greatest disappointments.” – Henry Ward
Beecher
Now, for a very long time I have wondered why I
feel so up and down, why sometimes I fall into feeling like a zombie and quite
dead inside and other times I feel full of energy and happy. I think I have
finally realised why, the reason is the feeling of disappointment.
Being in personal therapy discussing my life in
depth and exploring the unexplored as well as my counselling psychology training
has allowed me to recognise my own patterns of behaviour and to challenge
myself. For such a long time, I couldn’t really pin point it and since, I have
read a few articles on it, which has helped me make sense of it further.
So, what do I mean…?
What are disappointments?
Firstly, disappointments are dissatisfactions
that form when our expectations are not met. Some people can deal with
disappointment where the feeling dissipates after a while but for me, it leads
to symptoms of depression, a lifeless state and apathy.
Don’t let it destroy you
It is only recently that I have discovered that
when I feel disappointed, I am the type to feel numbness, a void, a pain so
overwhelming I feel like I just want to run or do something. My internal
processing fails, my emotional regulation becomes lifeless and it really hurts,
that feeling of hurt is intensified.
You can imagine, because I never made the link
nor could see the link between feeling like this as a result of me feeling
disappointed; I frequently would feel there was something wrong with me,
feeling confused and just extremely low in mood without any understanding why.
The way I would deal with feelings of
disappointment was rather destructive, to myself and to my relationships and
perhaps even felt by the people around me. Using references from the
blog I recently read (See end of blog post for the link), the way I managed my
disappoint was:
1) Avoidance
I would try so hard to forget, to put all my
focus and energy into doing something else. For me, these activities would
involve, drinking, running hard, cleaning excessively, organising trips out
with friends… mainly things that were practical that didn’t need much thought
but would tire me out or things that would cause me physical pain, I would push
and push until I wasn’t thinking or feeling anything, I suppose I wanted to
numb the feeling. I was desperate to replace this feeling I couldn’t understand
where it came from (now I realise it was disappointment).
Of course, these only gave me a temporary
uplift, a false sense of happiness, which on some occasions worked but I guess
because I never resolved the issue, it always happened again.
2) Denial
One strong related feeling to avoidance, is
denial. When I would feel the aftermath of being disappointed, I sometimes
would pretend I didn’t care, that I wasn’t hurt, that I was okay, and that I
didn’t need anyone else to help me, that I was going to manage all by myself.
Unfortunately, for me I became a pro at this. I
would be so good at believing I was ok, that everyone on the outside would not
suspect a thing and even at times I could fool myself. But inside, the part I
wanted to keep hidden was distraught, hurt and miserable. I would tell myself
that things were ok, as a way to not feel disappointed, since, without any
expectations, I never allowed the opportunity for disappointment. Of course,
this wasn’t my personality and I could never carry this attitude for a long
time, I am someone who does things with passion and commitment, that half
hearted effort is something I struggle with, so this never worked very well but
again, it was a temporary fix that shielded me from the pain.
3) Giving up
I suppose my mentality has always been strong
and this has been something that has saved me all the time. I have never let
disappointment defeat me to the point were I feel like I couldn’t do better or
unworthy. I do have a strong sense of self-valuing and self-worth, so I don’t
think I have ever given up on myself. Yes, it has caused me to wobble, but for
me, my attitude isn’t to give up, but to turn it into ‘let’s start again and
better myself and refresh’ – so it is almost my avoidance, my denial comes into
play more strongly.
It’s okay to feel disappointed
I have come to understand, that disappointment
is not always a bad thing, as highlighted in the recent blog I read, it is:
1) Passion towards a cause – that,
it reflects your passion towards something, since if you didn’t care you
wouldn’t be disappointed.
In the words of Martin Luther King Jr ‘There
can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love’, for me this is
reassuring and it is this deep love that fuels my life and creates happiness
for me.
2) Represents an opportunity for progress – that, disappointment is a sign that tells you something has gone
wrong and that something needs to be thought about. It may be that you need to
change your reality, your expectations, or it may be that you need to accept or
realise that something isn’t right for you. There is something quite empowering
about this attitude towards disappointment.
Making acquaintances with disappointment
So how do you deal with disappointment in a
healthier way?
1) Clearer mental state
This is something I tend to do gradually, but
sometimes it is a false sense of clearer mental state, the state as mentioned
of being ‘I am okay’ when really I am not. But when you are able to put
yourself into a space where you can think about positive activities that
recharge you and really take some time out to think about things that make you
happy, it makes a huge difference. For me, that is writing my feelings down,
ranting to a friend, doing something new, starring at the sky, watching life or
just taking a stroll to clear my mind.
It’s true for me that sometimes when I am
feeling low, that I do prefer to have some time to myself in order to gain
clarity on my feelings, thoughts and decisions. I have found talking to
trusting friends and gaining their perspectives on the matter can sometimes
help too.
2) Attach with your desires
This is something I haven’t been able to do
well. Since, realising that the feeling of nothingness derives from my feelings
of disappointment, when I attach it with my desires rather than the expected
outcome, it becomes easier to bear.
When you are disappointed, the source of
disappointment is rooted in the over attachment to a certain outcome. By
thinking about it as a desire for something, the almost justifies your response
- ‘It is okay to feel disappointed so don’t beat yourself up about it’.
Expectations is a reflection of underlying desires and I think it is so
important that you are aware of what these are. When I wasn’t able to accept,
acknowledge or admit to myself my honest feelings, I was just constantly
trapped in the cycle of disappointment and I couldn’t see a way out. It was
horrible, I had to ask myself what were my desires that drove my expectations
and in heightened moments of emotions, it is very difficult to effectively
organise your true feelings and your defence feelings, and it has taken me a
very long time to even begin to unravel my true feelings. A good way is to get
writing, note them down or type it…
3) Be realistic
What is realistic and what isn’t? I think we
all have expectations and it isn’t a bad thing, otherwise how else are we
supposed to grow and develop. But it is important for us to realise what is
realistic and what compromises we need to make. It’s very hard to do this, but
sometimes, unrealistic thoughts can be disempowering and it prevents you from progressing.
However, this is not to be confused with putting yourself down or feeling all
your expectations are unrealistic, because I think once you realise what you
want and don’t want to compromise, then you have the choice to act rather than
let the feeling control you. Gradually building a strong resource will help you
move pass disappointment and into a healthier frame of mind.
An on-going progress
Facing and dealing with disappointment is not
easy in any shape or form.
You don’t need to be changing your whole life
but you need to work out what you want and whether you can compromise. If
you’re constantly being let down, you got to work out if it is worth it and
whether you want to put up with that and don’t let it trap you. Sometimes, it
isn’t your goals that are unrealistic, it just cannot be met by that object
that keeps letting you down, something needs to change but not necessarily you
or the goal, but be clear on what it is, there is a balance to be struck.
We all have a part to play but when you are
able become aware of yourself, you are able to make conscious decisions rather
than feeling trapped and stuck. Personally, I feel enlightened like
finally something has unlocked and I have opened that box I was afraid of. To
finally be honest with myself, it's liberating. I feel free. I genuinely feel
happier. Yes I still might need to make changes in my life but this feeling
within feels empowering and strong.
References:
https://personalexcellence.co/blog/disappointment/
