I found myself wanting to risk take more when I was feeling a little more upset or angry at things. I would crave to drive but something always prevented me to do so, whether it was work, tiredness, my sister had the car or another excuse I'd tell myself. Sometimes it was true but most times I just lied to myself.
The Challenge
On Saturday 13th July, I was talking to my friend late at night as I couldn't sleep and was not in the best of moods. I was just saying that I had a week off and wanted to drive but wasn't sure where. He suggested I should pick him up from work. Without thinking about it, I just said yes. My whole body was probably telling me don't do it but something in me just wanted to drive again and do it. I agreed. I asked a couple of friends to join and one said they would and the others couldn't make it. So the plan ended up was - going to pick up a friend from work at 6pm then another friend from his house and then to make our way to Central and eat. I will then drop them home and come home. This is the biggest drive I would have done since my lessons. I know I can drive safety but something in me that always doubts me.
The Support
Since Saturday, I have constantly been doubting myself and needing that reassurance and confidence. My best friend has constantly giving me that since Saturday. My other friends too even when I haven't asked but they have given me a boost in my confidence and to everyone else this may be the stupidest thing ever. But to me, it means the world. This stupid mental fear I have had for 5 years may slowly be fading away. I have tried not to think about it because I will end up getting nervous and cancelling it but I am too determined right now to say no. I am ready. I can do this. I am so thankful for them.
"You'll be fine, it will be fun, can drive me around soon!"
"Aww, I can't come...but I trust your driving Lai!"
"I'll give it a miss, it's not that I don't trust your driving and from what I remember you're a good driver!"
Just a few of the positive words I need to hear.
She Is Ready
I am excited, nervous but no one will be stopping me today. I pray that it will be a good drive and I hope this is the first step for the last time. I am ready.
Update
I am back from the day that I dreaded! But I am so glad I drove.
So at 6PM, I made my way into the car and left to drive to Canary Wharf. I haven't driven in so long and I was already quite anxious. I started singing to the songs for a bit and was doing well. Then I approached the roundabout and some how ended up in a middle lane and needed to get back out off but couldn't so I went around the roundabout twice! It was ok though. I then got to the place fine, was a easy enough route. Then my first mental state was challenged. I passed the destination and I couldn't see my friend and I couldn't stop either. So I carried on driving straight.. I ended up at the security part and they asked me do you know where you are going, in a very nice and friendly way. I said 'no' and explained I needed to get back to Hilton Hotel. They told me to do a U-turn at the end of that road and come back and they will guide me. In that instant I thought 'omg u-turn!' and I was getting nervous! But it wasn't so bad, it was a mini roundabout so I just turned around. He told gave me directions and off I went. I parked up in a place where I wasn't really supposed to be but it was off the roads and I quickly gave my friend a call. He found me and we left for East Ham to pick up another friend. I was panicking inside quite a bit and had to really try to calm myself down. My friend said he was cold but I was sweating with the AC on! We had a good chat and drove fine. We got to East Ham after a little bit of traffic and I didn't know my friends door number so I found a space on that road and parallel parked. It was ok but I was just being vocal about parking but my friend helped me out. After, I parked, I texted my friend and he said he lived at 35 which was up the road. He told me there was a 'wide space' up the road just outside his house. I texted back saying I can't park and that he should come meet me. But he insisted it was a big space and I decided to go for it. It was a big space but obviously it did not feel that way to me! So I managed to park there anyway and he was watching me laughing through the window and said 'perfect parking :)'. After a few minutes he was ready and came out. I told him change of plan and that we was heading to the o2 for two reasons. One because my sister wanted to be picked up after work at 10.30pm and second I didn't feel like I knew where I was going regarding parking up central and it was too much for me in one day. So off we went to the o2. I managed to find my way into the o2 and parked in Car Park 4 which wasn't intended but it actually worked out well because it was the closest to o2. We decided to eat at GBK and had a very meal with good conversation topics and a good laugh. My nerves at this point was gone and I wasn't even thinking of the drive home or anything. I had a good night. It was approaching 10 and we decided to leave. We just over stayed our two hours for parking but I didn't mind paying for it but my friend chipped in. We left and off we went back to the car and I drove both of them home. It was a lovely evening. As I dropped off my second friend we noticed that the road I needed to go was blocked off, so I had to take an alternate route. I was not nervous at all and it was such a good drive home. Today made me realise how much I miss driving and how much I love it but the only thing is the mental issues I have. We did try to work out what it was but we couldn't come to the conclusion. They both said I was fine and I am so glad I did it even though it wasn't drive up to West, it was still a big deal and big step for me. I am so grateful for their support, it means so much to me that they were there.
Thank you! I will try my hardest to keep up with driving regularly otherwise I will fall back into that cycle and will need to start again!
November 2013, there is still inklings of that nervous feeling and anxious feeling when I think about driving so I still avoid it when I can. But some reason, when I decided to drive my boyfriend home, I managed it without any of those feelings. I felt confident within and was just thinking about the positive words my friends who had told me before; it was reassuring. I honestly couldn't thank them enough and they will never know what extent it means to me. On that night, even with the doubt from my boyfriend beforehand, 'are you sure you want to drive?', 'it's not too late to change your mind?'. I know he was nervous and scared even if he denies feeling it or tried to convince he wasn't. But I did not let it put me off or I couldn't let it put me off. I remembered all those times when I did drive and constantly thought about the positive words that my friends had told me. I knew that I needed to push myself and that I couldn't give in because I was insured and I know I can drive. So, in the car, it was a smooth journey. I did not feel any panics, any fast heart racing, any anxiety and enjoyed it. I was so proud that I did it. Small thing to anyone else, but to me it was a great achievement and it felt good. I did not say no and did it on my own. I need to keep practicing and not give in.
2014
I am still yet to properly feel comfortable with driving. I still can't work out what it is. When I am driving I just can't stay calm, I have stop being so nervous, my heart doesn't beat like crazy but I still feel 'stressed'. My movements are very rough and sudden but I don't panic as much as I did. I wanted to drive again and even after 6 years, I am still determined to drive. My friends drive and I would want to do the same. I love driving I just want to feel that love for it again and to be able to drive places without feeling so anxious. I decided to keep my steps towards the goal realistic and achievable so this year I want to drive to at least 3 places.
On 9th March 2014, I decided to drive to work. I had a shift at 8am so I knew the roads would be quiet and it would be a great opportunity for me to drive again. I got into the car and had a few minor technical difficulties. (ie. the wind screen wipers are automatic and i just thought to myself I really don't know how to stop those! However, I wasn't worried). It was a nice sunny day and I drove to work. I knew the route but I wasn't 100% sure so I used a sat nav just incase and I accidentally missed my turning but it was fine. I managed to get to work fine, and I parked my car at the tighter area within the property because the other gates were closed. I finished work just after 4pm and as i got into my car, I knew it would be tricky to get out. I didn't want to think about how I would get out (probably a bad idea in hindsight) so I just got into the car and worked it out in the car and slowly reversed back out. I finally got out and drove home. There was no issues driving home apart from I had to slow down for speed cameras and also need to get used to the sensitivity of the gas and break. I did enjoy my drive home but again my driving skills I think I need to relax and not be so stressed in the car. I don't feel stressed but I can see when I drive, i look stressed. I was very happy that I managed to do drive on my own to somewhere new. I will not give up!
On 20th April, I decided to drive to work again. This time it wasn't a smooth ride. Oh boy. I was in a state of high anxiety and a state of despair. I just didn't know what on earth was happening! Let me explain..
Driving to work was fine and as I arrived I decided to park in that small car park again and it was the worse idea ever!! I hit the edge and the car had gotten stuck at the metal piece I could not get out of it. It kept scratching and digging deeper. My heart was in a panic my mind was in a panic. I couldn't actually believe I managed to do that to the car. The car was ruined with a big dent on the side. Fuck my life. It was so bad. Thankfully, one of my colleagues helped me out and took the car out of the small car park when i left for work. He actually calmed me down a lot too and i was so thankful he was on shift! I just didn't want to ruin it anymore. My heart was going mad! Anyways, on the way back, the drive was fine but someone was testing me! There was an accident in the tunnel or something then it started raining quite heavily! Couldn't believe it. Still can't believe it!
When I told my family and friends there was a mixed reaction. As expected my sister didn't want me to drive her car but she wasn't angry as such, she was more angry that she had to go through the hassle of repairing her car. Which i totally understood. My mum surprisingly told me that it was because i didn't have driving experience and that i need to drive more. My friends told me the same and told me not to let it stop me. I felt the same. I was more determined to drive and was definitely not going to let it hold me back again. I know the worse part of being fearful is to avoid it. I had a few weekends off so i didn't drive anywhere. The next time i was at work I had a visit and decided that it was easier to get public transport.
On 15th June, even though I had a visit and probably would have been easier to get transport i decided to drive to work, purely because i knew the next opportunity would be around July. When I got into the car, I was a bit anxious. Slightly. I wasn't relaxed so my driving at the start was jittery. I could feel it and see it. I told myself to chill out and relax and as I did that, i did quite enjoy driving. It felt like a Go kart track and I did really enjoy driving. I didn't park in the car park and parked on the single yellows by work instead as i didn't want anything traumatic to happen. On the way back, the drive was fine and I had a good time driving. No issues. Felt good.
On the 13th July, I drove again. I felt little nerves when I got into the car. It was a smooth drive but going to work, I some how missed my turning but I didn't panic nor was I panicking. I managed to find my way back and it was fine. Parking was no issues. The drive home was quite nice too, sun was blazing and I had to switch on air con. It felt good.
On the 15th December, my sister asked if I could take her to work. I was a little stunned at the idea as I wasn't expecting it and wasn't sure. I took a moment and paused to think and I decided that I will. On Saturday when my friend drove, I was sitting in the front of the car and I was being alert as if I was the driver. It did motivate me to drive. I spoke about it in therapy which also made me feel like overcoming this anxious feeling whenever I think about it. Before the drive, while I was waiting for my sister to get ready, my heart started to really beat quite fast. It went up to about 94 bpm. I could feel physically anxious and I was shaking but I tried to control it. When I was in the car, I was ok, the nerves were still present but my sister did not aggravate it which really helped me. We both wasn't too sure of the lanes which cause a small quick lane switch at one point which was a little dangerous but that was because we did leave it too late. That was an anxious situation. When we got closer too, there was an ambulance that was near us and also that I had to switch lanes which was quite difficult as it was time for me to do a left turn. I had to quickly switch lanes but slowing down to turn the corner. It was fine, then I managed to get home all ok. This times drive was very different from the other times because it tested me on quite a few levels. There was lane switching, not sure of where I was going and also quite a lot of cars. When I was driving back, it started to get late, I did want to turn on my lights but I was afraid that I would do something silly and cause mayhem, so I decided as there were other cars yet to turn their lights on, I decided it was fine to continue as I was, also I was nearly home. I usually drive on a Sunday not on a Monday afternoon during school runs. I didn't feel comfortable but I am glad i did it. Another drive for the year. I didn't realise it had been such a long time since I had my last drive and it did take a short time for me to realise how sensitive the brakes were. It was ok. I definitely need to have more practice and to get my confidence up. When I got home, I parallel parked the car but it had felt strange and that it was at an angle - the back wheels were touching the pavement. I decided that I could park it properly and went back into the car and tried again. I managed to just pause, think logically and do it properly. Much better. When I got home, I was still recovering from my racing heart, where my heart rate was at 99bpm. My usual resting heart rate is around 60, so you can see what a great thing this is for me. But I do know that if I didn't feel safe enough to drive, i wouldn't. I would just like to enjoy my driving rather than feeling anxious when I do. I do realise, it could take me another year or even 10 years to completely overcome this feeling of anxiety when I think about driving but I will work on it every year to I feel that I am able to drive safety and comfortably.
On the 20th December, I drove my boyfriend home as it got too late. It wasn't planned and another spontaneous trip which wasn't too bad. I didn't feel anxious as I usually do and I even got lost coming back. I wasn't panicking and managed to find my way back without any sat nav or maps. It was a nice night time drive.
2015
23rd February. My sister asked me if I could drive her to work last night but I didn't give her a definite answer and made no promises. This morning she asked me again. I decided to say yes. I am feeling a little shaky and nervous as I wait for her to get ready. Heart rate measured 65bpm (was ok, under control) I am trying to control myself. I know that if I don't keep trying and if I keep avoiding it, I will never learn or grow. It is moments were we find ourselves in struggle, uncomfortable situations and feeling anxious is where we learn the most. I felt ok, it wasn't nerve free but it was nice and there was some traffic and things around but I managed it ok. There is still the controls of the car I really need to grasp to stop myself from being really jittery or nervous when it comes to it. When I got home, i measured my heart rate just to monitor myself. I actually felt ok but my heart rate had measured 79bpm. Much slower than what it usually is but I was suprised it was as high as this. Keep going! The more practice i get, the more confident I become, the more experienced I am.
8th July. My sister asked me again if I could drive her to work in 10 minutes. I didn't feel much in terms of I wasn't feeling like I didn't want to do it, but I knew I needed to take the opportunity so I agreed. It was driving to the more familiar location, where I used to work but it was slightly further out then where she usually asks me to drop her off. But I went off, the start was as usual quite jittery and me trying to get a hang of the car and familiarising myself with the controls again. There was one cyclist that came out of no where and was just oblivious to the world which was slightly a close call. When I arrived at the place, the road i usually follow to come back out was blocked by some truck. This meant I had to reverse, I did not expect any unplanned manoeuvres so this was a little anxiety provoking, however it was just a U turn with significant space. So thankfully, no issues there. I continued my journey home and it was seamless. No issues, I even found myself singing along to the songs on the radio feeling more relaxed. I arrived at home and managed to parallel park the car back into the space. I was pleased. I do still more practice but I was glad I had another drive.
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