How perfect are they?

So, a lot of people wonder whether they have found themselves the perfect partner or at least someone they are able to get on with but more than a friend. I was thinking about what were the top 10 qualities and characteristics that really make me tick and there are my 10. This was quite hard to narrow it down and probably will undergone revisions but here is it now.

I chose 10 things, because it would mean you could rate someone out of 10 for each item and then have a total at the end out of 100. This would then give you a percentage. I suppose, for every person some of the items will be more important than others. You could also rate yourself and people you know, and see how you score. What's your threshold that separates someone who is a friend to someone who is more than that?

1 Attractiveness 
This refers to physical looks. A perfect 10 would be sexy, cool, hot and cute. 

2 Sense of humour 
Someone who makes you laugh and lifts your mood up instantly.

3 Generosity 
How willing are they towards you and others in terms of giving on a daily basis without being overly generous or feeling obliged to do so.

4 Adventurous 
This refers to them being adventurous. Are they as excited as you in the things you enjoy doing, for me this would include travelling and exploring. Even if they are not always adventurous, it is important for me that they have that sense of adventure and willing to try at the very minimum. They have to know how to have fun.

5 Ambitious 
Someone who is quite sure of what their future involves, aims high yet works hard for it both professionally and personally.

6 Faithfulness/Dependability 
Someone who you feel is trustworthy, who you can dependent on and will be faithful.

7 Affectionate/romantic/passionate 
Someone who can respond on a physical, emotional and verbal level and demonstrating feelings of warmth and tenderness. Yet also someone who can sweep you off your feet and give you that special feeling from time to time. 

8 Openness/honesty 
This one may sound strange to many, but for me this is something very important for me. Openness for me refers to someone who can tell you things and be honest with you, they want to share things with you no matter how mundane and ask for your advice and opinion without making you feel like you're their mother. Someone who wants to share things with you.

9 Intelligence 
This refers to emotional intelligence too as well as being smart. They would ideally have some life skills as well as being book smart. Someone who can teach you things and keep you stimulated. 

10 Maturity 
Someone who is mature doesn't mean boring. Someone who shows maturity is someone who knows how to look after you, take initiatives and are pro-active and is not afraid of taking responsibility with a degree of confidence and presents themselves in a confident manner.  



I suppose, for me to find someone compatible would be someone who would score similar to how I would score myself. Someone who is perfect, would score significantly higher.

Franco Manca

Location: Canary Wharf
Meal: Courgette, basil, mozzarella, buffalo ricotta, franco & Cantarelli Grana (£7.35 number 3) with extra tomato sauce; & Tomato, Cured organic chorizo & Mozzarella (£7.35 number 6). 

Price: Roughly £16

I went there during the lunch time rush which probably wasn't the best idea nevertheless, we got seated quite quickly. The tables were quite small and it felt cramped but I really enjoyed my pizza which was number 3. I tried number 6, but it was too salty for me. The pizza reminded me of Rome, it was decent. Staff were friendly too. 

An overall rating 8/10.

The feeling of disappointment

“One’s best success comes after their greatest disappointments.” – Henry Ward Beecher

Now, for a very long time I have wondered why I feel so up and down, why sometimes I fall into feeling like a zombie and quite dead inside and other times I feel full of energy and happy. I think I have finally realised why, the reason is the feeling of disappointment.

Being in personal therapy discussing my life in depth and exploring the unexplored as well as my counselling psychology training has allowed me to recognise my own patterns of behaviour and to challenge myself. For such a long time, I couldn’t really pin point it and since, I have read a few articles on it, which has helped me make sense of it further.

So, what do I mean…?

What are disappointments?

Firstly, disappointments are dissatisfactions that form when our expectations are not met. Some people can deal with disappointment where the feeling dissipates after a while but for me, it leads to symptoms of depression, a lifeless state and apathy.

Don’t let it destroy you

It is only recently that I have discovered that when I feel disappointed, I am the type to feel numbness, a void, a pain so overwhelming I feel like I just want to run or do something. My internal processing fails, my emotional regulation becomes lifeless and it really hurts, that feeling of hurt is intensified.

You can imagine, because I never made the link nor could see the link between feeling like this as a result of me feeling disappointed; I frequently would feel there was something wrong with me, feeling confused and just extremely low in mood without any understanding why.

The way I would deal with feelings of disappointment was rather destructive, to myself and to my relationships and perhaps even felt by the people around me. Using references from the blog I recently read (See end of blog post for the link), the way I managed my disappoint was:

1) Avoidance

I would try so hard to forget, to put all my focus and energy into doing something else. For me, these activities would involve, drinking, running hard, cleaning excessively, organising trips out with friends… mainly things that were practical that didn’t need much thought but would tire me out or things that would cause me physical pain, I would push and push until I wasn’t thinking or feeling anything, I suppose I wanted to numb the feeling. I was desperate to replace this feeling I couldn’t understand where it came from (now I realise it was disappointment).    

Of course, these only gave me a temporary uplift, a false sense of happiness, which on some occasions worked but I guess because I never resolved the issue, it always happened again.

2) Denial

One strong related feeling to avoidance, is denial. When I would feel the aftermath of being disappointed, I sometimes would pretend I didn’t care, that I wasn’t hurt, that I was okay, and that I didn’t need anyone else to help me, that I was going to manage all by myself.

Unfortunately, for me I became a pro at this. I would be so good at believing I was ok, that everyone on the outside would not suspect a thing and even at times I could fool myself. But inside, the part I wanted to keep hidden was distraught, hurt and miserable. I would tell myself that things were ok, as a way to not feel disappointed, since, without any expectations, I never allowed the opportunity for disappointment. Of course, this wasn’t my personality and I could never carry this attitude for a long time, I am someone who does things with passion and commitment, that half hearted effort is something I struggle with, so this never worked very well but again, it was a temporary fix that shielded me from the pain.

3) Giving up

I suppose my mentality has always been strong and this has been something that has saved me all the time. I have never let disappointment defeat me to the point were I feel like I couldn’t do better or unworthy. I do have a strong sense of self-valuing and self-worth, so I don’t think I have ever given up on myself. Yes, it has caused me to wobble, but for me, my attitude isn’t to give up, but to turn it into ‘let’s start again and better myself and refresh’ – so it is almost my avoidance, my denial comes into play more strongly.

It’s okay to feel disappointed

I have come to understand, that disappointment is not always a bad thing, as highlighted in the recent blog I read, it is:

1) Passion towards a cause – that, it reflects your passion towards something, since if you didn’t care you wouldn’t be disappointed.

In the words of Martin Luther King Jr ‘There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love’, for me this is reassuring and it is this deep love that fuels my life and creates happiness for me.  

2) Represents an opportunity for progress – that, disappointment is a sign that tells you something has gone wrong and that something needs to be thought about. It may be that you need to change your reality, your expectations, or it may be that you need to accept or realise that something isn’t right for you. There is something quite empowering about this attitude towards disappointment.

Making acquaintances with disappointment

So how do you deal with disappointment in a healthier way?

1) Clearer mental state

This is something I tend to do gradually, but sometimes it is a false sense of clearer mental state, the state as mentioned of being ‘I am okay’ when really I am not. But when you are able to put yourself into a space where you can think about positive activities that recharge you and really take some time out to think about things that make you happy, it makes a huge difference. For me, that is writing my feelings down, ranting to a friend, doing something new, starring at the sky, watching life or just taking a stroll to clear my mind.

It’s true for me that sometimes when I am feeling low, that I do prefer to have some time to myself in order to gain clarity on my feelings, thoughts and decisions. I have found talking to trusting friends and gaining their perspectives on the matter can sometimes help too.

2) Attach with your desires

This is something I haven’t been able to do well. Since, realising that the feeling of nothingness derives from my feelings of disappointment, when I attach it with my desires rather than the expected outcome, it becomes easier to bear.

When you are disappointed, the source of disappointment is rooted in the over attachment to a certain outcome. By thinking about it as a desire for something, the almost justifies your response - ‘It is okay to feel disappointed so don’t beat yourself up about it’. Expectations is a reflection of underlying desires and I think it is so important that you are aware of what these are. When I wasn’t able to accept, acknowledge or admit to myself my honest feelings, I was just constantly trapped in the cycle of disappointment and I couldn’t see a way out. It was horrible, I had to ask myself what were my desires that drove my expectations and in heightened moments of emotions, it is very difficult to effectively organise your true feelings and your defence feelings, and it has taken me a very long time to even begin to unravel my true feelings. A good way is to get writing, note them down or type it…

3) Be realistic

What is realistic and what isn’t? I think we all have expectations and it isn’t a bad thing, otherwise how else are we supposed to grow and develop. But it is important for us to realise what is realistic and what compromises we need to make. It’s very hard to do this, but sometimes, unrealistic thoughts can be disempowering and it prevents you from progressing. However, this is not to be confused with putting yourself down or feeling all your expectations are unrealistic, because I think once you realise what you want and don’t want to compromise, then you have the choice to act rather than let the feeling control you. Gradually building a strong resource will help you move pass disappointment and into a healthier frame of mind.

An on-going progress

Facing and dealing with disappointment is not easy in any shape or form.

You don’t need to be changing your whole life but you need to work out what you want and whether you can compromise. If you’re constantly being let down, you got to work out if it is worth it and whether you want to put up with that and don’t let it trap you. Sometimes, it isn’t your goals that are unrealistic, it just cannot be met by that object that keeps letting you down, something needs to change but not necessarily you or the goal, but be clear on what it is, there is a balance to be struck.

We all have a part to play but when you are able become aware of yourself, you are able to make conscious decisions rather than feeling trapped and stuck. Personally, I feel enlightened like finally something has unlocked and I have opened that box I was afraid of. To finally be honest with myself, it's liberating. I feel free. I genuinely feel happier. Yes I still might need to make changes in my life but this feeling within feels empowering and strong. 

References:

https://personalexcellence.co/blog/disappointment/

Gym: August 17

So I am not a frequent gym goer, neither do I know much about the equipment or muscles or types of workouts etc. but recently I went to the gym with my sister who knows much more and helped me out. She told me to take a note, so I did. I hope to join the gym in the future so I thought let me write this down for reference: 

AUGUST 2017

13.08.17 (Pure Gym, Canary Wharf)
5 reps, 3 sets
Squats & squat with weights (10kg, 17.5kg)
Sit ups
Calf press (52kg)
Bench press (22.5kg) - touch chest 
Overhead press (10kg)
Deadlifts (15kg)
Pull ups (23kg)
Dips (14kg)
Rowing machine (20 secs, 40 secs rest x8)
5km run

18.08.17 (Sports Dock, UEL)
5 reps, 5 sets
Squats (15kg) 5/5/5/5/5
Overhead press (15kg) 5/5/5/5/5
Deadlift (35kg) 5/5/5/5/5
Bench Press (20kg) 5/5/5/5/ and 5 on 25kg
Dumbbell Row (20lb) 5/5/5/5/5 (each arm)

Sushi Eatery

Location: Soho
Meal: Sushi buffet

Price: Roughly £20pp for sushi buffet (Saturday price) + drinks (Pink Sprinkle, Green tea) Total: roughly £55

This sushi place is a sister branch of Hi sushi. It is one of the few I found that had sushi buffet for a relatively decent price. The sushi looked ok, but tasted good. They also had side dishes in which you could order up to 8 dishes (including prawn tempura, squid..)but only once. Personally, this felt like a purpose detour from the sushi rounds, I didn't really enjoy this part either. That side of the food was a let down. The sushi was good but was probably about a 7.5. The drink (Pink Sprinkle) I had was absolutely amazing though a 10 alone for that. But... 

An overall rating 8/10.